Robolove

poetictear


Where we've been

Where we are going


My nervous breakdown and panic attack
Robolove
poetictear
I am frustrated and super unsure about my future. I am angry at myself and other people for things that are mostly out of my control. But then I am also very much so responsible for the financial situation I have gotten myself into. I have loans I can’t even begin to pay off, I have bills I have no money to pay. I have no way to make real money, even though more than half of my loans went into schooling for a useless vocation.
I regret that decision majorly and I am tired of people trying to rationalize my choices or make them okay. They were stupid and now I am stuck in a stupid money-less career I hate, doing something I absolutely hate doing, and on top of that I am not making any damn money.
First off let me state that I abhor money, because it ruins people from both ends, rich or poor. Getting or losing. Unfortunately I live in a world where I legitimately can’t exist without it. I must have money to exist and yet I can’t seem to get any. So therefor do I exist at all? Not according to some figures on a piece of paper in an office somewhere. I have created a logistical scenario in which I have actually minimized myself into nothingness. A deficit. I am a black hole that is the plague of the nation. I have jumped into the pit to make it a more difficult place. But when I say “jump” I honestly mean some asshole pushed me hard from behind and I didn't have a choice but to tumble into the “what is expected of you” abyss.
And now I am sitting here freezing my ass off trying not to cry because I am ashamed of... of what?! What in God’s name am I ashamed of? Why should I feel shame or fear about something that more than 90% of our country is dealing with? But I do, and I can’t seem to map out a plan of escape. Because I have reached that unclimbable wall, with no footholds or nooks. I have no options, choices, or lists of pro’s and con’s to choose from. I am at a point where I can either make it worse, or wait and hope for the best. I will wait, and I will let more people down, but I won't be tethered to an even bigger nightmare.
So despite the fact that this is painful and embarrassing for me I have decided to put it out there because I am pretty sure I am not the only one and I think we need to stop keeping our stupid secrets and hiding behind our shame. I know what I really want and I am done putting it off because of whatever reasons. So I am officially going to fight back all the ridiculousness, get rid of all of it(and lord knows it’s going to take forever) and I am going to get what I want. Because no. I don’t want to be this sad little melodramatic secretive hot mess in bed at night alone anymore.

(no subject)
Robolove
poetictear
Pain pill is making me shaky and itchy, and I want to puke everywhere. So much bad. Why do I have to have pain which needs a pill to go away???

(no subject)
Robolove
poetictear
also my stomach might be trying to murder me. WHY!?

(no subject)
Robolove
poetictear
HEY! Hey! Who's out there? Me...?
I'm about to dork out. WANT TO CHANGE MY FB STATUS! Birthday present late? Pretty please?

(no subject)
Robolove
poetictear
I opt not to bitch on Facebook so here I am to bitch. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. School...I am having a school related identity crisis of sorts, seriously questioning my choices, wondering why everyone else at the school is too damn boring or stereotypical to be any fun(at least my kind of fun). I took a sick day today because I needed a minute to think and relax and not have a panic attack, or potentially puke on a client. That would be sad. Also what the hell is wrong with men? Or maybe it's me...but I'm not going to lie here, I think I would be a primo girlfriend and yet...here I am. I am aware that all the loud screamy girls who make a lot of ruckus and talk about themselves way too much...oh for shits sake. I am going to shut up now, I don't even know what I'm bitching about anymore. I am a giant ball of frustration right now and I just need a minute, or three days. I'd take more if I could but alas I have to work on growing up despite the fact that I would like to perpetuate my Peter Pan complex.

(no subject)
Robolove
poetictear
I can hear a baby squirrel outside. Beeping sadly. I know it's in my neighbors back yard but I can't go get it because they have a scary dog that hates me. I don't do well with natural selection. I don't know what I would do with it if I got it. I can't drive anywhere right now and I have no way of keeping it warm all night. I hate that there is nothing I can do. I want to save it soooo bad but I just can't. I hate that helpless feeling and honestly it's not really fair for me to feel helpless when really it's this damn baby squirrel that is suffering. I hate stupid natural selection and the laws of nature. They can go fuck themselves.
I'm sending out a prayer for little baby squirrel because that's as much good as I can do right now. I can barely see to type this, I am exhausted and ready for bed but now I am going to have horribly sad dreams about the way things really work. I want to live in a dream world where only good things ever happen. I would like to have as many holds on happiness as possible but now I just want to cry for a poor helpless animal. That is not happiness.

(no subject)
Robolove
poetictear
I feel completely useless. Also I have no right to make this about me. Unfortunately I have no way to think about it, feel about it, act on it in any other way. Yes I am being cryptic and weird. I will continue to be cryptic and weird until I feel it's appropriate to behave otherwise.
Cliche, cliche, cliche. There are no words that haven't already been used up to describe this situation, there are no epic, or profound ways to state the facts without sounding the laments of a million other devastated souls.

(no subject)
Robolove
poetictear
BAH! I am having another one of those conniption fits. Crap, I hate these things. I need a booze. It's imperative to my survival. On another note, my hair is super cute and...yup. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I don't feel like pretending to be positive. I keep thinking about non-positive things and I can't stop. I need to watch a funny movie or something.
GRRRRRRR!

(no subject)
Robolove
poetictear
I am in hell. Between my cramps and the two glasses of wine I had last night, I just want to curl into a ball and weep forever. Or at least a little while.
I bleed out of my vagina. What can you do?

(no subject)
Robolove
poetictear
Things that are making me irritable today:
My paycheck is apparently never going to be ready
I have to run errands all over town but I can't now because of above.
Driving. EVER.
People taking stupid pictures.
Republicans
that weird taste I can't get out of my mouth.
my computer that seems to think I need to update adobe EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.
The display driver on my computer.
I think this might be the sneaky hate spiral. I can't be completely sure yet though. Lets see if I explode in unwarrented anger later.

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